


Redamancy

by AlmostAsGoodAs_I_do, Atlas98



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Character Study, F/F, Fix-It, Post-Break Up, Relationship Study, Sanvers Endgame, Season 4 finale reinvented
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-24
Updated: 2019-10-21
Packaged: 2020-03-13 18:16:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18946294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlmostAsGoodAs_I_do/pseuds/AlmostAsGoodAs_I_do, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Atlas98/pseuds/Atlas98
Summary: When Alex is forced to confront her unshakable feelings, it leaves her searching for the love and home she let go of in Maggie. Going to Gotham to track down her ex fiancée is clearly the first step in the fight to get it all back, but taking it will mean a hard compromise on the one relationship Alex has been responsible for since Kara became her sister. So with almost everyone believing her moving on is for the better, but her heart saying otherwise, can Alex face the truth of her past decisions and get her girl back?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone, this came up to me because I couldn't deal with what is happening on the show despite not watching it since season 3 xD. 
> 
> Because I missed my partner in crime, I requested Atlas98's help on this. And I thank you my friend for always joining me on my crazy ideas.
> 
> Read this carefully, Danvers sisters fans and Sanvers fans, know that it's not gonna be left unfixed.

Alex has always been one to notice things about people, with her job it's more of a skill than anything else. And by now its second nature, the way she watches the waiter tip his head as he passes customers, the way the entrance door creaks every time it swings. But at  the moment, her attention is adamantly fixed on the way the young couple in the corner seem to exist outside of it all. The way the golden lighting from the candles and lamps around the room don’t seem to compare to the look in their eyes, or the way they don't  quite hold hands and let their fingers rest gently against each other. 

It's as if nothing going on around them has any impact whatsoever, their food coming and going as they laugh. Alex doesn’t know if he said something funny or not, but the way the young woman just looks back at him happily makes her think it’s just them being with each other that is making the woman smile. 

It’s a strange feeling, like something settling heavily in Alex’s chest as she realizes she has to force the same look onto her face every day. She has to force herself to feel okay. And it’s not so much that she doesn’t know why... it’s more that she’s tired. She didn’t think having to pretend would be so hard.. or that she’d still be pretending after so long. But she is.  

Everyday is the same routine of acting like none of what is going on inside of her matters, like it'll go away one day and she can forget about it... about her.  

Because that’s what it really comes down to. Acting like the bed she sleeps in feels the same, that the pictures on the walls that have replaced her smile are just as beautiful to look at. Its acting like she can actually find what she let go of, in someone else. 

Mostly, Alex is scared of that. The thought of never really having that feeling again keeping her up at night and consuming her head when there's nothing to distract her. And she doesn’t know how to let that go... she supposes she doesn’t really want to.  

How could she give up this feeling of regret and pain, when it’s all she really has left of Maggie? How could she ever lose the one small thing she has left, even if it is what leaves her broken-hearted and cold. Is that all she’s supposed to be forever? Is that the deal she made when she let Maggie leave, was it meant to be?  

Alex can’t remember thinking it would be like this, can’t remember thinking it would be better than hearing Maggie say her name or just being able to hold her... the things Alex would do just to have Maggie’s arms around her is insane.  

And so here she is, seeing clear as day the way these two people feel about each other as they sit in the restaurant... and yet she couldn’t see it at all when it was right in front of her. Was she just not looking? Did she not think to take a step back an- 

“Alex?” a voice questions, cutting the director’s rambling thoughts off. 

“Hmm..oh!” Alex stammers out, turning back around in her chair slightly to look at Kelly. “Sorry what was that?” 

“I asked if you’re ready to order.” The woman says gently, closing her menu as she leans on the table and squints her eyes in question. “But you’re doing that thing again.” 

Alex laughs dismissively to try and cover herself. 

“What thing?” She forces out almost cheerfully. 

Kelly just sighs and leans back in her chair, clearly trying to figure Alex out. 

“You're not telling me something.” She resolves, shrugging at Alex to prove that it’s a fact. “And its not that you won’t tell me, I know what it is. I just don’t understand why you put yourself through this.” 

“What are you talking about?” Alex questions doubtfully, not really wanting to open up but knowing that she's the reason they’re here, that it was her idea for Kelly and her to be on a date. Well...actually it was Kara’s idea, Jonn helped her ask... A few beers and her couch is more along Alex’s idea right now. But either way, it feels like she should ask the question more than anything. 

But Kelly seems to know that too, her demeanour calm and sincere. 

“You aren't the kind of person who opens up much, but I can still see it there in your eyes. It’s something.” Kelly states slowly. “And I don’t know much about your ex. Just the whispers and the quiet rumours around this place.” She resolves gently, as if anything too loud would scare Alex off. If the director is honest it’s not far from the truth. “But I know that if I’m sitting with someone and thinking about someone else, then it'll never work.” 

“I know. I’m sorry I’m try-" 

“You don’t owe me anything Alex. Least of all an apology.” Kelly assures, reaching across the table and squeezing her hand gently. “But I think you owe it to yourself to see this through. And not with me. Not with anyone who doesn’t give you that feeling right there.” She reasons, nodding over at the couple Alex was watching. “So be honest with me, with yourself. What exactly is it that you want Alex?”  

The question makes Alex’s throat tighten, her mind scrambling through the truths and the lies that all seem to get mixed up the more she thinks. 

“I don’t know.” Alex reasons. “I mean I do but... I can’t want those things anymore.” She murmurs defensively. 

Kelly tilts her head in thought, the motion reminding Alex of Maggie and making her chest ache. 

“You know, I’ve seen you win a lot of fights since meeting you, Director Danvers.” Kelly remarks. "But this isn’t going to be one of them. No one chooses what they want, hell most of the time what we want chooses us.” 

Alex thinks about that, how she never even saw Maggie coming. How it’s always felt like she's spent her life waiting for Maggie to be a part of it, never knowing it outright, but unable to deny it now that it’s all she seems to be able to feel. 

“I want her.” Alex offers quietly, surprised that Kelly doesn't even show a hint of anger or irritation. The woman just smiles at her gently, seeming to understand it completely.  

“So, what are you doing here?” She questions, arching an eyebrow at the woman. “Why don't you go to her?”  

“I want to. So badly... But I can’t really do that.” Alex admits sadly, focusing on the white table cloth to try keep calm. “Some things can’t be fixed.”  

Kelly sighs and shakes her head, urging Alex's eyes back up by squeezing her fingers again. 

“Some things fix themselves.” Kelly says adamantly. “But it takes a lot to admit that we want them to. You can’t drown yourself in guilt when you know how to breathe Alex. That isn't you being broken, it’s you knowing how to get to the surface but being too scared that you won’t make it.” She explains slowly. “But you have to try. There's no second chances, so stop wasting your time thinking you’ll never get her back and fight.” 

Alex chokes a little at the words, the tears stinging at her eyes as the truth sounds in her ears.  

“I'm scared.” She admits shakily, trying to breathe past the way her heart feels like its shattering.  

“Does she love you?” Kelly questions softly. 

All Alex can do is remember moments with Maggie, flashes of her smile and her voice filling Alex’s head at a thousand miles an hour. And she knows, Maggie was never shy or silent about how she felt for Alex when they were together, always proving them over and over again. It was Alex that failed to do the same. 

“She did, more than anyt-" Alex chokes off, not able to keep talking without losing it completely in the restaurant.  

“Then there is nothing really to be scared of.” Kelly reasons. “Love is a lot of things Alex, but it isn’t fleeting and it isn’t fearless. It's the strength to take chances and risk everything when nothing scares you more. And it’s worth it. So go.” She urges, patting Alex's hand before leaning back and nudging her head towards the door. 

Alex bites her cheek as she stands, a strange sense of hope and clarity filling her chest. 

“Thanks Kelly.” She mumbles out, leaning down to give the woman a hug. 

“Go Alex.” The woman urges again with a smile as she shoved the director towards the door playfully. “Remember to use this and not that.” Kelly adds on, motioning to her heart before tapping her head. “The truth sometimes likes to hide behind logic and sense, but people aren’t either of those things.”  

Alex nods with a watery smile, knowing exactly what Kelly means. It’s what she does, always has. But this is different, everything with Maggie is different. And Alex knows that it’s the reason her heart has to make this choice, it’s the reason she won’t let go. 

 

 

Usually she hates packing up a bag. It reminds her too much of bad memories. Shuffling last pieces of clothing belonging to her dad in a brand new box to go up into the attic. Leaving her childhood home and any sense of innocence as she packed up the minimum before her mom dropped her off in front of Stanford University, with pride, nostalgia and worry wetting up her eyes.  

Then it was filling an old backpack as she left her dorm painfully sober with Hank Henshaw waiting for her in the parking lot. Moving in and moving out to make space for Kara. Again and again. Making that choice to do so, over and over. 

Until here. 

Until this ordinary apartment. The bland walls and quiet air that used to suffocate her until laughter and cop shows and moans filled her up more than her childhood home's attic filled with trophies and memories.  

This ordinary place that Alex hadn’t known is exactly what she craved her whole life. Like a lifeline thrown into the waves she used to surf on in high school. Back then it used to be about feeling free, out amongst the water. But then it became about staying afloat, about just staying on the surface as everything tried to pull her down.  

But this place had been her chance...her moment to breath. 

Until she was suffocating again. 

But not anymore. 

She folds up a shirt in a way her mom would hate, the lines messy and imprecise before she picks up a small dog plushie in the corner of her bag. Alex still remembers when Maggie bought the toy representation of Gertrude for her a few days after the whole Rick Malverne ordeal. The whole ‘I love you and I never want to  stop having firsts with you’ moment playing like a record stuck on repeat.  

The plushie was the epitome of those promises, Maggie’s way of saying she meant it all. That future. Just like their rings used to be, the cold steel locked away in Alex’s safe to keep the light off of them, to keep that dream dark and hidden away 

Yet Alex can’t help but smile, looking around her apartment. She loved this place when it used to be a home. And now... well she's ready to get out of here. To find that home again. 

Turning back towards her duffel bag, she puts Gertrude back in place along with her wallet and passport, zipping it closed determinedly.  

She hears the front door open behind her but she doesn't interrupt her movement yet, taking a deep breath as she checks everything is shut tightly. 

“Alex? What’s going on?” she hears her sister ask “Are you going somewhere? Do you have an assignment?” 

Alex finally turns, preparing herself for the inevitable argument. 

“No this uh...it isn't about work. In fact, I took a couple of weeks leave and put Vasquez and Demos in charge. Brainy will keep me updated and Jonn will overlook everything.” She explains blandly. 

“Okay. I...I don't understand. You still didn't answer my question. What’s going on? Where are you going?” Kara repeats, standing staunchly between Alex and the door.  

The hero can clearly tell Alex is holding something back, despite everything they are still those sisters who could see through the walls the other put up. Well at least Kara could see through most of Alex’s walls... it’s hard to admit that not even the kryptonian could see through everything Alex keeps locked away. 

It’s another thing Alex has noticed actually. Her relationships... or rather the way they’ve all been falling apart. Since Maggie, Alex hasn’t been able to really be honest with anyone she cares about. She’s lied to everyone, hidden from them and pulled away to give the appearance that nothing was wrong.  

But it’s all wrong. 

“I'm going to Gotham.” Alex resolves, picking her bag up off the bed and throwing the strap over her shoulder. The familiar leather jacket almost making her feel confident...almost. 

“Did Kate call you or something? Maybe I can help, I'll get m-"  

“No Kara.” Alex cuts in gently, breathing slowly as she steps in closer when her sister frowns heavily. 

The look on her face changes imperceptibly, Alex struggling to make sense of anything that flashes in her sisters eyes. But eventually they settle into a sense of realization...  

“Maggie?” Kara asks quietly, her tone tight like she knows any hint of emotion could sway Alex’s reaction either way. And it could, Alex will admit that. 

“Yes.” She answers matter of factly, clenching her jaw and wishing that Kara wouldn’t question everything. 

But of course, it’s not that easy. She can’t just wrap up and leave. She has to give a detailed rapport again. Get an approved seal by the almighty hero standing in front of her. 

“You can't just go to Gotham Alex.” The hero admonishes, standing tall in front of the door, keeping Alex from stepping any further. 

Some part of it feels like everything else, like all the things that hold Alex back and all the things she’s let go because of it. 

“That’s not up to you.” Alex sighs out tiredly, trying to shove Kara off to leave. But there’s not much she can do against the Kryptonian when she refuses to let go. 

“What is going on?!” Kara retorts in the same tone. “What is it that you’re refusing to tell me?!” 

“Maybe it’s not about you for once Kara!” Alex screams.  

She feels bad for the crestfallen expression that takes over her little sister, but ultimately she’s too tired to be careful with her words. 

‘’What does that mean?’’ Kara whispers softly, a bit shocked. 

‘’You know what it means.’’ Alex replies, dropping her bag down on the floor, the thud somewhat grounding her ‘’Hell, even Red K you knew it. You said it back then, my life revolves around you.  _This_ , I’m doing this for me.’’ Alex insists, pointing at her duffel bag. 

Kara crosses her arms over her chest defensively, gulping at the memories of the red kryptonite and the damage it left behind. 

‘’And what is your plan?’’ she asks calmly ‘’Drive all night to see her? To...to what? Ask her to pick things up again as if a year hasn’t passed.’’ 

Alex rubs her forehead, exhaling deeply, managing to stay calm through the turmoil of emotions threatening to overcome her. She lifts a hand toward Kara, proud that it isn’t trembling. 

‘’It’s better than staying here and pretending I’m happy for everybody’s sake.’’ Alex finally admits, proud again for stating the truth. 

She stares into her little sister’s eyes, heart aching at the wave of hurt pass through her bright blue eyes. 

“I tried.” Alex murmurs “I'm sorry.” 

Kara freezes at that, Alex practically hearing her sister hold her breath like the words threaten to take the oxygen from the room. 

“You're...” Kara starts, swallowing her words as she looks to the ceiling to keep the tears Alex can see threatening to spill over. 

“I tried, I swear. For everyone, this whole time I’ve tried to be that person.” Alex chokes out, still not capable of holding the weight of failing her family, the thought crushing her. 

Kara rushes over as Alex finds strength in her to not cry, her breathing harsh and heavy even as her sister tries to hold her steady. 

“What person?” She questions gently. “Alex please, stop hiding from me.”  

“I'm not hiding!” Alex forces out, taking a step back. “You all left! Jonn left and even Winn left.” She resolves, not realizing the anger she feels about it. But some part of her knows it’s only a small part of all of this. And the biggest part is of her own doing, the truth of it heavy and harsh. 

“She left.” Alex whispers. “I... I made her leave.” 

Kara swallows thickly and pulls in a shaky breath, reaching out hesitantly to touch Alex’s shoulder as the older Danvers sister sit down on her couch. 

“I didn’t know you felt so alone.” Kara murmurs sadly. “Why didn't you tell me?”  

Alex shrugs and wipes her tears, missing Kara’s hand when it slips off her shoulder with the motion. 

“It felt like... it feels like everyone needs a break.” Alex reasons half-heartedly. “Everyone had to go, find their place in the mess that is our lives.” She shrugs, trying to make sense. ‘’And I do too.’’ 

Kara nodded softly, her mouth twisting but staying shut. Alex clenches her fists, fighting the urge to hide, to force the small flicker of hope in her chest to stay buried.  

“All my life I’ve been second. And it's not your fault Kara, I would never believe that... but I was. I am second to you. And I’m your big sister, no matter what. So being second is exactly where I should be, where I wanted to be. But not anymore.” Alex explains hesitantly. “And with Maggie... I was first. Always. And when the time came for me to do the same, just once, I didn’t. I promised her, Kara.” She whispers shamefully. “I wrote it in my vows, I told her when she broke down in my arms the night her dad left... I lied to her Kara. I didn’t put her first, I told her she wasn’t enough. And she left.” 

Kara pulls off her glasses from her face, scrunching them in her hand as she focuses on Alex intently, the way she stares forcefully making Alex's stomach churn. 

‘’It’s not that simple, Alex. It wasn’t anybody’s fault. It wasn’t _your_  fault.’’ Kara try to comfort her. 

But Alex nods quickly, pretending to agree. It’s like an old habit, talking in half-truths and tight smiles. Alex has fallen back into doing those things and she knows she has to break out of it. 

‘’But it was.’’ Alex insists, wincing ‘’I know it wasn’t simple and I know it was an inevitable decision I had to make, but...it was the hardest thing I had to do in my life.’’ Alex breathes out ‘’I overcame dad’s death, his betrayal. I overcame my shame and ego and got sober. I overcame the guilt from the lives I took and yet this...’’ 

“Alex, I understand that you miss her. And Maggie was great, there’s no denying that.” Kara admits slowly. "But the best thing is that she helped you realize wh-" 

“You don't get it.” Alex cuts in bluntly between her teeth, her clasped hands hurting. “Maggie was... She is more than some poster I had in my bedroom as a kid that helped me realize who I am. She was meant to be more, always. And I still want her to be.”  

She doesn’t know how many times she had told her sister those exact words but she's beyond having the energy to repeat them. 

“Alex list-" 

"No kara!” Alex barks, standing up. “You, you listen. She was going to be my wife. Me, married. I mean of all people I never deserved to have that. Maggie made me feel like I did.” She reasons, forcing herself to try calm down.  

“I know.” Kara assures measuredly, slowly standing up. 

“Do you?” Alex questions exasperatedly. “Because everyone seems to know and yet I feel like a total idiot, because I didn’t know. I should’ve known that nothing, no one can fill this place in here.” She reasons, pointing harshly into her chest. “This is hers, no matter who I try shove into it Kara.”  

Alex takes a deep breath as she paces in the living room, thinking back on the dates she went on. The forced enthusiasm as she came home to tell Kara how it went, the scotch she had to drink to force her ex-fiancée out of her head. She thought that with Kelly, she could maybe, finally move on. 

But there was no moving on from this. From her. 

“It takes time Alex.” The hero tries again. 

“No.” Alex sighs, sitting on the edge of the stool by the kitchen island. “You're so convinced that I don’t see the big picture of my life. But I do. I have the entire thing. But there’s this piece missing in the middle that I ca- I can't...” 

Kara shakes her head, crossing her arms in confusion, crinkle in place. 

“But you want kids Al.” She reasons, the statement repetitive and worn out over the last few months. 

It leaves Alex rolling her eyes at the ceiling, licking her lips frustratedly. She herself, said it was the reason she broke up with Maggie over and over again, like a mantra, a record stuck on repeat until it lost its logic. Until it didn’t make sense. 

“Not anymore.” Alex resolves, not quite ready to face Kara yet after the revelation.  

She’s tentative as she looks up and regrets it immediately at the make shift conclusion her sister comes up with. 

“Maggie of all people wouldn’t want you to f-" Kara tries to reason but Alex has had enough. 

“This isn’t just about Maggie!” Alex yells in frustration. “Can't you see that this is me?! This is me that keeps sacrificing, sabotaging my happiness for some concept of greater good, greater reason or some childhood dream of what a family is.’’ 

Kara is stunned into silence, not recalling the last time Alex has been this loud, this honest. 

‘’I...does a part of me want to be a mom? To do all the amazing things that mom and dad did with me as a kid? Of course. But the life that I’ve been given, that I’ve chosen, the danger that constantly surrounds our family...Kara, it’s time to be honest with myself. I’d be unfit as a mother.’’ 

The words leaves a sour taste in her mouth but it sets her free still, a weight finally off her chest. 

 ‘’Working impossible hours, barely home to tuck my kid in. It hurts, it hurts to admit it, to realize that this is something I won’t have. That I choose to not have. But  _this_  is the right decision.’’ she declares, pressing her hands together, as if she is begging Kara to understand. 

Alex bites on her lips while her sister shakes her head, almost hugging herself. 

“I don't understand.” Kara admits shakily, almost fearfully. 

The eldest Danvers sister takes a deep breath, careful with her next words. 

‘’I’ve already given most of my life to other people.’’ Alex says slowly ‘’I’ve been there for you every step of the way. I’ve watched you grow and become this fearless hero. And I’m so proud of you, sis.’’ 

Kara seems to understand where this is going, her chest heaving suddenly and breaking down like a wave on the shore. 

‘’What are you saying, Alex?’’ She whispers.  

Alex stands up, approaching the superhero and yet at the moment, her frightened little sister. 

‘’Two years ago, I was the happiest I’ve ever been. And you were at your lowest.’’ Alex starts slowly ‘’And the guilt that comes from the years of being pressured to live my life around yours, I...I pushed myself to reconsider things.’’ 

Alex hasn’t seen her sister become so distant before but she knows that no matter how her words hurt, she has to get them out. She needs to be heard. 

‘’How could I be happy when you weren’t? You lost a man you loved. A man that reminded you of Krypton and even though it wasn’t always easy, it  _was_  easy to be with him. To kiss him. When you lost him, it was like losing Krypton again.’’ Alex continues, looking past Kara’s shoulders to the wall, calming her voice. ‘’Then you found your mother again and Argo city and I was so relieved to see you happy again. That you found your home again. But what about mine?’’ 

Both sisters sit in front of each other, unable to look into each others eyes, knowing by heart the tears in them. 

‘’Watching you be unhappy was horrible.  You asked me to never let Maggie go and then you pushed me out of your life. Maggie kept asking me to keep going with the wedding plans and I just exploded inside. Because it felt like you were punishing me for being happy, like I couldn’t have her...and have you.’’ 

Kara finally looks up, anger and pain flaring up her eyes. 

‘'I wasn’t punishing you, Alex! You can’t put your break up on me! I was just trying to hold on and watching you be happy with Maggie was so painful, Alex. I was envious and I couldn’t face that.’’ she cries out. 

Alex nods, happy that Kara finally admitted it as she reach out to wipe her sister’s tears. 

‘’I know. I’m not putting my mistake on you. I’m explaining to you how...we depend too much on each other and I think... you and me need some space.” She reasons quietly. “I need to find my place again, I need to focus on me. On what's important to me.” 

Kara opens her mouth, words choking past the hurt on her face as she stares into her eyes. 

“I know that this isn't easy and I'm sorry.” Alex whispers. “I feel lost, Kara. I don't feel like that woman you asked me to be all those years ago, happy and in love. I'm none of that without her.’’ 

Kara pulls away from her, hands pushing her hair back before putting them on her hips. 

“You will fall in love again.” Kara tries to assure, her voice pleading for Alex to listen.  

Alex shakes her head, not wanting to give in to anger. She eyes the duffel bag by her feet and she can’t wait to grab it and leave. 

"I don't want to, Kara.” The agent breathes out. “No one will ever, ever, be her. Maggie is... God Kara she's...” 

Something seems to finally click in her sister’s eyes. The blonde woman sighs, sitting down on the couch once more. 

“Home.” Kara offers gently. “That's what this is all about isn’t it?” she asks. “All the new art on the walls, the curtains and the bed sheets... I know you’ve been trying Alex. I wanted to do something. But I don't know, I'm not you and I don't know how to be the strong one.” 

Alex looks to her sister questioningly, a little angry at the choice of phrase. Mostly because she doesn’t feel like anyone has really paid much attention. 

“I heard you and mom, when we went home.” Alex recalls slowly. “We were there because I couldn’t make it through the night without Maggie here with me. I couldn't handle the rain against the windows or the smell of her perfume on the pillows.” She murmurs, her chest tightening at the thought. “And mom... she wasn’t worried about me... she was worried about you.” Alex grits out. 

“Because we knew you’d get through this Alex, you're the strongest person I k-" 

“I’m not that strong!” Alex snaps. “Look at me! Just... look at me.” She begs. “I'm not that girl I was three years ago Kara. I can’t... feel nothing and be okay anymore. I'm not broken like I thought I was, I feel everything because of her. For the first time in my life I feel all of it. And this,” She resolves, placing a hand over her heart. “I can't let it go, even though it kills me slowly every day.” 

Alex smiles thinking back of all of her firsts with Maggie. She knows Kara thinks she must be stubborn or impulsive about this. But for once, she isn’t. Not after hurting Maggie the last time she did. She’s been thinking about this for so long, knowing that coming back into Maggie’s life isn’t a light decision to take. She doesn’t want to toy with her heart, but she has to see if perhaps, she could get another chance. To see her, to tell her, just how important she is. How enough she is. How loved she is. 

“Maggie showed me how happy I can be if I just...if I'm free to do the things I want, to love the people I want and I... I'm so in love with her Kara.” Alex resolves painfully, the truth stinging as its finally let out. “I've sacrificed my happiness too many times. I let my insecurities, my fears and my old habits take away Maggie’s chance to be happy too, and that’s not fair.” 

Kara seems lost, tears falling down her cheeks. 

“I didn’t know.” Kara chokes out. “Alex, I would have done something.” 

Alex just swallows tensely, shaking her head. She hadn’t meant for Kara to feel guilty, it's just the truth.  

“You rely on me, everyone does. It's not your fault.” She reasons sadly. 

“Yes it is.” Kara resolves, grabbing Alex's hand tightly. “You're my sister too, you should rely on me too.” 

Alex just shrugs, still feeling the need to run away, not able to handle the sadness in her sister’s eyes. 

“Kara it doesn't ma-" Alex tries, her words cutting off as the hero shakes her head forcefully. 

“This, our family. It doesn't feel the same anymore does it?” Kara asks gently, heartbreak evident in her voice.  

Alex pulls in a shuddering breath, burying her face in her hands as the sobs break unevenly in her chest. And suddenly there are arms around her, pulling her impossibly close as Kara all but hauls Alex across the couch to hug her. 

“You had t-to go home. To Argo and your mom.” Alex gets out brokenly. “To escape, to not f-feel this...this weight anymore Kara.” She cries. “And I have to...I need to hold it all in and I just can't take it anymore.” 

“Alex." Kara murmurs. "Alex, look at me.” She says sternly, pulling the agent up by her jaw until their eyes meet. “Give it to me, don't be scared. I’m always going to be your little sister. And I love you for protecting me Alex, I love you for everything you do for me.” She whispers brokenly. “But that doesn't mean I think it's right. Because I don't. This isn't all on you anymore.” Kara reasons sincerely.  

“I don't want to let anyone down.” Alex cries out. “I’m tired of being weak and broken, like I'm fighting myself.” 

Kara sighs and wipes her face messily, breathing in and out a few times to catch her breath. 

“You will never let me down.” She states confidently. “But if you feel like this, conflicted and torn apart... I've let you down Alex. And I’m sorry, I'm so sorry.” She whimpers out. “All I want is for you to be happy, you deserve to be happy Alex. However that is, whatever it means, I'll help you. Let me help you.” 

The words echo in Alex’s ears, a memory playing in her head as she let’s everything she's locked away all this time rush to the surface, the ache in her heart begging for relief from the only thing it’s ever allowed in. 

And Alex wants to trust Kara, want to let her in again and find her way back to the person she used to be. And it starts where it's always begun for her, her entire life never really feeling like it had a path outside of her job until something, someone, started a riot in Alex’s heart and changed every rule in the game Alex has felt trapped in for so long. It’s always been about one thing, from the very start. 

But it’s gotten lost amongst everything else. And Alex knows she has to put Maggie at the front of it all if she is ever going to stand a chance of getting her back. 

Both sisters wipe their tears and Alex looks up, surprised at hearing Kara chuckle. 

“This, it’s hers, isn’t?” Kara points out, tugging gently on the sleeve of the leather jacket on Alex’s arm. 

The agent nods knowingly, feeling the leather seemingly tighten around her defensively even though Alex knows it’s just due to Maggie being slightly smaller. 

“When we were packing... it was hard. What belonged to who, which clothes we bought each other and which ones just got lost in the middle.” Alex recalls solemnly. “But I think secretly, we just wanted pieces of each other. I wanted pieces of her.” 

Her shrug is cut off by her sister hugging her, kissing her temple. 

‘’I said it before and I’ll say it one more time.’’ Kara says, pulling back with a teary smile ‘’You go get the girl.’' 

Alex laughs wetly, knowing that after her trip, she’d have to work on her relationship with her sister again. She stands up, her heart somewhat light with Kara’s support and picks up her duffel bag, throwing it over her shoulder. 

With one last smile toward Kara, she crosses the threshold with the keys of her Ducati in hand. 

She is ready to get her girl indeed. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AlmostAsGoodAsIdo: Hello everyone, we want to thank you all for your patience! We didn't expect this much feedback when we first posted this and we're super grateful for the response!! Atlas98 and I are slowly working on this, kinda knowing where we want to go, but it'll take time as we're still working on another story together, plus our own work. Let's get through the canon mess together y'all.
> 
> Little warning for angst, but know that Sanvers is Endgame, always.

The cafe is comfortably noisy. Quiet enough to not tip her over the edge, only just verging on the side of keeping her calm. And yet it's enough to cover up her tumbling thoughts and dizzying doubt.  

Surprisingly, the sun is blaring through the window for the first time in weeks. Gotham is known for its cloudy and grey skies, the skyline used to rolling clouds and endless nights. And it was just what Maggie needed a year ago, when she was tired of waking up alone and frustrated with the sunny mornings. 

She hadn't seen a reason to smile at the beautiful days National city offered anymore. So, she moved. And she was fine with that. Fine with trading off an optimistic, at time self-righteous hero for a moody, at times self-righteous one. But at least the latter had no illusions of the reality they live in. But even she had to admit that sometimes she missed the illusions or even the chirpy blonde herself. 

This city suited her well. For a while. She had to admit that at first her anger and broken heart were a perfect match with the dark city. Another bitter soul among a thousand others. But with time she had to admit that it wasn’t so perfect. Giving in to the dark side is only half satisfying when she found herself waiting for that glimmer of hope. A day of relief. Of peacefulness.  

She wasn't one for staying around, sticking in one place. She always went for it, moving forward to try and find that small piece of light. Turns out now, it was coming to her instead. Right from her past, in a woman she thought had taken it away forever. 

Maggie didn't let herself dwell too much on it except at nights between insomnia, the rain clattering against her cheap windows as she tried to hide it all behind meaningless moments with the few other women she’d been with since.  

She was never one for self pity, always priding herself on being strong, always moving on. Until Alex. Alex was still deep in her bones, tangled in the roots of her heart. Her fiancée. Ex fiancée. Ultimately would always be the one that got away. 

But now she was back. She was here in this city, about to mess with Maggie’s head again. And so, Maggie arrived early their agreed cafe, wanting to be there before Alex to prepare herself and to be in control. 

Not that she could ever fool herself into believing she really can be with Alex, It’s all an illusion anyway. Alex had the upper hand here. Her ex had texted her a week ago, telling her she would be in town and that she would like to see her, if she wanted to. 

Maggie hadn’t thought it was a good idea. She had wanted to, for so long. But a year had passed and she has no idea what's in Alex’s head these days. 

But at heart she's still a detective, so her curiosity eventually got the best of her. At first Maggie felt the need to throw up, nerves and dread wrecking her but...the truth is...she wanted to see Alex more than anything in the world. To see how she's doing, what she looked like. Maggie wants to know if she's still unfairly beautiful or if her mind had turned Alex into this unattainable dream. An angel Maggie has no idea how she once had the grace to touch. She wants to know who the girl she loved has become. 

A motorcycle engine breaks the calm of the morning, the sound softening with the bike's deceleration and Maggie’s eyes cant help but follow the black machine as it parks in front of the window a few booths down from her. 

There she is. 

Looking both like a dream and her best nightmare. 

Alex swings her long leg over the new Ducati and takes a few steps back as she lifts her arms to take off the helmet. 

Maggie briefly recognizes the beat up leather jacket before her gaze shifts back to the woman shaking her hair out, the static greening the strands that fall across her face.  

The image practically takes her breath away, Maggie gulping down the nerves as she brings her hands in front of her to stop a sort of whining sound from crossing her mouth. 

Her hair is different. Shorter. Sharper. The buzz cut making Maggie's fingertips itch to know it’s still as soft as she remembers. 

Alex seems to shift nervously as she looks to the cafe, still clutching her helmet like she might tug it on and ride off any minute. Maggie finds herself holding her breath as she watches Alex start talking to herself, locking her helmet to the handlebars and shuffling to the cafe entrance.  

She leans toward the front door and looks up and down the sidewalk, a halo of sunshine seeming to form around Alex, ironically taunting Maggie, reminding her. 

 _You can’t have her._  

The thought echoes in her mind, Maggie feeling her heart start to panic in her chest, her hands shaking as she sees Alex finally pushes through the door and pulls off her leather jacket. 

Its like being hit by a truck the way Maggie instantly feels her chest tighten and she can’t help herself. She stands up and looks down at the floor as she walks quickly off to the hallway leading to the bathroom. Maggie slips inside without looking back and leans back against the now closed door, shutting off the noise of the outside world. 

Closing her eyes, she takes a deep breath before exhaling deeply. She puts her hands on her knees, counting to twenty in her head, trying to force herself not to fall into the pattern she thought she'd gotten over when she first lost Alex. Obviously the agent still has an insane effect on Maggie, the thought just making the detective shake her head. But she gets some control back after a few moments, finding the will to stand up straight again. 

As she calms down, she looks at herself in the mirror and shuffles to the sink, splashing a bit of water on her face. 

Berating herself for running away like a scared child, Maggie steels herself, mentally repeating a speech from this morning. ‘You got this. You decide what is gonna come out of this. No need to overstress. Wait for her to talk.’ 

Nodding at herself and pretending to be confident, Maggie decides to go back out there and rip off the band aid, ignoring the way her hand clenches way too tightly on the door handle as she leaves the bathroom. 

Welcoming the noise back, she walks slowly back to her booth, seeing Alex there, sitting in front of the empty place where her jacket lays. The tall woman seems quite nervous herself, constantly moving a cup of coffee on the table as if to find the perfect spot. 

Maggie bites down the smile that instinctively wants to take over her face and feels herself slightly relax at the familiarity in Alex’s antics and exasperated eyes. She simply clears her throat and Alex seems to freeze at the sound before snapping her head up and standing from her seat a little clumsily. 

‘’Hi.’’ she breathes slowly, her hands switching between playing with the pockets on her jeans and clasping together. 

Maggie inhales at the sound of her voice and congratulates herself on keeping still.  

‘’Hey.’’ she replies softly. 

She can see Alex swallow and it makes her wonder if perhaps Alex is just as affected as her by their reunion. Maggie’s eyes nearly widen at the twitch in the redhead’s fingers, her hands stopping mid-air. 

‘’Can I hug you?’’ her ex-fiancée asks, barely a whisper amongst the noise of the cafe. 

Maggie wants to say no. Because having Alex’s arms around her again would be cruel and difficult...but even though she knows that, Maggie has also craved the feeling her heart vaguely remembers for so long now. So she doesn't exactly have it in her to be surprised by the answer that comes out of her mouth. 

“Of course.” She offers gently, her heart stalling as Alex steps forward with a small smile. 

Maggie holds her breath as Alex’s arms rest over her shoulders, the detective noticing the small space Alex leaves between them even as the agents head finds her shoulder familiarly. 

But even with her heart practically stalling in her chest, the moment seems to pass impossibly fast, both of them pulling away when it feels like it would cross a line to hold on any longer. Alex clears her throat and goes back to her seat, leaving Maggie still standing, still in the mist of their embrace.  

‘’I got you coffee. Black with a spoon of honey, is that okay?’’ Alex asks nervously. 

Maggie forces herself to sit down and wishes the booth was bigger.  She eyes the cup of coffee and Alex’s hopeful eyes. 

‘’I don’t really drink coffee like that anymore... but old habits right?” Maggie mutters, reaching for the warm mug. 

‘’Oh, I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have assumed.’’ Alex rambles ‘’Let me get you another one, I...’’ 

Maggie instinctively puts her hand on Alex’s wrist, stopping her from standing up. The touch causes them to look at one another and Maggie can’t stand the look in the other woman’s eyes. They both know the truth. Time's passed. Things have changed. They aren't the same people anymore and didn’t know each other’s favourites anymore. They’ve missed so much. 

‘’It’s okay, Alex.’’ she reassures, still not able to stand the pain in the agent’s eyes. 

Alex winces and shakes her head, her fingers twisting as she exhales deeply. 

‘’It’s not.’’ she breathes out, confessing their new reality. 

Maggie holds her breath with the acknowledgment, pulling her hand back slowly and immediately missing the feeling of Alex’s skin beneath her fingers. 

“I get that its...” She starts, drifting off when she can’t ignore the berating voice in her own head. 

“Awkward.” Alex offers with a tense smile, tucking her hands beneath her legs like she has to keep them in check. 

“I would have said unusual but...yes.” Maggie reasons as she watches the way Alex shifts around, her eyes snapping up with the short laugh that leaves the agent’s lips. But Alex stops herself, looking down at the table. 

“Haven’t we always been a little unusual?” She asks quietly. 

Maggie nods as she plays with the handle of her coffee cup. 

“I gotta say I was surprised when I saw your text.” She voices after a moment, the soft silence almost too comfortable to sit through. 

“In a good or a bad way?” Alex questions hesitantly. 

Honestly, Maggie hasn’t really figured that out yet. She doesn’t know what to make of the way her stomach clenches or the way her heart feels heavy... she just.. 

“I don’t know.” Maggie mumbles. 

She briefly worries about what it sounds like, that Alex will be hurt, but it’s honest. 

“Fair enough. Thank you for meeting with me though.” Alex gets out, the sincerity a relief to Maggie in a way it probably shouldn’t be. 

“Is this about a case?” She asks, wanting to change the subject. 

Alex visibly stiffens and Maggie is drawn in by the way she concentrates on her breathing to stay calm...or tries to at least. 

“I um...yeah.” She murmurs. “It’s about a woman that turned 30 a couple of weeks ago, but she still feels like she’s stuck two years ago, stuck on the day she made the mistake of breaking things off with her fiancée.” 

The words all sound across the small table, Maggie hearing them but not really able to connect them with anything as they fail to have the effect she knows they would have when her and Alex were still...something. 

“Why would she call it a mistake?” Maggie questions lowly, some part of her intrigued, a fragment of her past self desperate to understand as Alex swallows and looks up at her cautiously. 

“Because she misses and loves her just as much as the day she let her go.” She reasons quietly, almost pleading for it to come out right. 

It’s been a long time, the memories not really accurate in Maggie’s head. She can’t help but think that Alex is forgetting all the issues, that she isn’t thinking about Maggie clearly right now. 

“Alex...” Maggie starts. 

“I know, I know.” The agent cuts in. “This is unfair and I shouldn’t b-" 

“I’m seeing someone.” Maggie interjects, incapable of letting this go much further.  

Alex’s eyes flash painfully for the briefest of moments before her jaw clenches and she nods gently. 

“Right, of course." She mumbles down at the coffee in front of her. 

“That’s it?” Maggie questions a little gruffly. “That’s all you’re gonna say?” 

“Does she make you happy?” Alex retorts immediately, barely audible past the soft chatter from the rest of the tables. 

Maggie is kind of angry as she finds herself shrugging at the question. Angry because, truly, she doesn’t even know what she expected Alex to say to the revelation. Angry, because she wanted Alex to care. 

“It’s too soon to tell.” Maggie reasons. “But it’s been refreshing to not think of you all the damn time.”  

Alex looks up at the harsh choice of words, but Maggie didn’t mean to hurt her. She spoke the truth. But she still gets frustrated when Alex doesn’t say anything in response. 

“What is this, Alex? Are you trying to fight for me or are you just messing with my head, throwing out some grand revelation that’s months too late to mean anything to me?” She sighs out in anger. “I can’t go through this again with you.” 

Maggie’s skin is burning with memories, with disappointment and most of all, with damn love. Her heart skipped a few beats when she received Alex’s text. She would be lying if she’d say she didn’t imagine her ex asking to meet to try to get her back. 

“I don’t know what else you want me to do.” Alex tries desperately, her hands coming up to clench on the table top. “Am I supposed to find your girlfriend and punch her in the face? I won’t do that. I want to, but I won’t.” She admits staunchly. “Because she’s not the problem, I am. You deserve the best Maggie... and maybe that isn’t me. After everything I’ve done, who I’ve become, it shouldn’t be me.” 

Maggie sighs, still hating the way Alex turns on herself. She wants so badly to be angry but it’s harder to see Alex torn up than it is to assure her. 

“I thought I was the self deprecating one between the two of us.” Maggie jokes gently, the small smile it brings to Alex’s face worth the sacrifice of checking her temper. 

“Seems like we’ve rubbed off on each other.” Alex jokes back easily, albeit somewhat reminiscing “Similar traits and whatnot.” 

“And here I thought the scientific theory was opposites attract.” Maggie chuckles out, letting herself lean back against the booth as the tension drains a little. 

“They do... but people aren’t a pure science.” Alex reasons. “They're flawed and broken and they don’t follow rules all that much.” 

The sentiment makes sense Maggie supposes, explaining enough about the way she can’t seem to control even her own feelings. Especially right now. 

“You think we didn’t follow the rules?” She asks curiously. 

Alex sighs, sipping on her coffee as the thoughts flash across her eyes. 

“I think... the rules never applied with us.” She settles on, sure enough in her answer not to elaborate. 

“Maybe that’s why we lost the game.” Maggie offers sadly, remembering all the times she felt the same way, that they were above it all. No one ever is, she knows that now. 

Alex obviously doesn’t feel the same way as she shakes her head determinedly. 

“No, no, we didn’t lose. It’s not... I made a wrong move.” She explains, clenching her fingers around her coffee cup intensely. “But Maggie... If you don’t want me to leave, if you want me to fight for you now, I’ll do it. I’ll fight with my whole heart until you see that you are it for me. I can choose now like I should have chosen back then.” 

Maggie shakes her head, a voice echoing in her mind. 

“It doesn’t work that way, I can’t just leave my...the woman I’m dating because you’re confused.” She reasons defensively. 

“I'm not asking you to.” Alex offers immediately. ‘’And I’m not confused.’’ 

“Then what are you asking?” Maggie questions exasperatedly. 

“I just want to be here, for you, in any way that I can.” Alex forces out. “I’ll be here for a couple of weeks, let me prove it to you.” She pleads. 

Maggie leans back against the booth, air cut off her lungs. 

“Weeks? What about work?” Maggie asks, in slight disbelief that Alex is capable of being away from the DEO for that long. 

“What about it?” Alex questions. “It'll still be there when I get back and I trust the agents I put in charge.” 

Maggie shakes her head, wondering how this moment is actually real after so long thinking up all the different variations of it. 

“Wow. Big bad agent Danvers finally trusting others to do the job.” She laughs out. “Not that anyone is as good as you of course.” 

Alex blushes a little, pushing a small strand of air behind her ear. The move leaves a scorching path in her stomach, but it doesn’t hurt as much as she’d think. It’s simply the bittersweet nostalgia showing up like an old friend. 

“Thanks, I’m trying to learn and not make my whole life about work again.” She admits self consciously. 

It's not something Maggie thinks Alex will learn all that easily, but knowing it’s an issue is half the fix. And having Alex around as a friend couldn’t really be all that bad. 

“Where are you staying?” Maggie asks. 

“At a hotel down the road.” Alex motions out the window vaguely, almost avoiding the question. 

Maggie tries not to let it get to her but she can’t really help herself. 

“That's gonna cost you a lot. Even in the shittiest part of town.” She reasons gently. 

Alex just shrugs. “It’s not a problem... don’t worry about it. I want to be around. I want to show you that I intend to stay and be here for you... if you’ll have me?” 

Maggie practically scoffs at the question, unable to deny that she’ll always want Alex around one way or another. 

“It’s...nice. The thought of having you around.” She murmurs hesitantly. “Being friends again. But you throwing money away on a shitty hotel isn’t proving anything. My friend Grayson can find you a place. A temporary one of course.” 

Nodding, Alex looks at Maggie intensely as if to demand she looks back. 

“I meant it. I’m not going anywhere until you tell me to go.” She swears. 

Maggie bites her cheek as she tries not to waver under the intensity of Alex’s eyes. 

“That's a dangerous bargain Danvers.” She smiles out. “Besides you’ll have to go back to work eventually.” 

“I know but I need to think about everything.” Alex admits. “How I want to live my life... again. My job... maybe I’ll find a small job in the meantime.” 

Maggie almost chokes on her coffee at the thought of Alex doing anything other than government work. 

“Yeah? You’re gonna start washing cars Danvers? Or become a bartender?” She questions jokingly, not really surprised by how easy it is to fall back into such a pattern with the woman across from her. 

“Are all these fantasies or something?” Alex retorts with a hint of a smirk that has Maggie hiding the flush across her cheeks behind her cup. 

Her thoughts are interrupted by an incoming text on her phone. Cursing, Maggie shifts on her seat to retrieve her device.  

‘’It’s work, I gotta go.’’ Maggie announces, sighing as she gets up and put on her coat. ‘’Um, there’s a lounge at this address if you want to join me for drinks tonight.’’ Maggie says hesitantly, writing down the address for Alex on a napkin. 

She doesn’t even think about the date she owes Hailey as she looks down at Alex’s small smile, her hazel eyes grateful for the chance to earn back her trust. 

‘’I’ll be there.’’ Alex assures. 

Her pale hand drifts hesitantly towards hers, squeezing it softly. Maggie’s heart is loud against her chest. She moves her hand to thumb the inside of Alex’s elbow, feeling the leather under her skin as Alex’s hand follow hers. 

‘’Nice jacket.’’ Maggie grins shyly, appreciating the blush rising on Alex’s cheeks ‘’See you around, Danvers.’’ she says before walking away toward the front door, the feeling of Alex’s skin lingering even when she’s out in the cold autumn air. 

Maggie tries to resist, to not look back. But just like she did two years ago, she can’t help but seek out Alex’s eyes through the window as she opens the car door of her charger. Alex has her eyes closed, face adrift the ceiling as if she’s thanking the sky, or reciting a prayer. Both seem improbable, but Maggie knows that every night for a year she hoped for some miracle to bring Alex back to her. 

But miracles are up to chances. And this is better than chance. 

Alex chose to come back to her. And all that’s really left now is finding out if it’s too late. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next, Alex gets to meet Maggie's people.

**Author's Note:**

> This is a risky piece and I have no idea if you guys liked it or not. So if you did please leave kudos and feedback. We intend to add a chapter with Alex reuniting with Maggie if you guys are interested. But first, let us know what you think about this one :)


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